What:

I thought I had a few left to give. I could have sworn I saw them the other day, when my kids were climbing on me during a Zoom call. Or maybe they were somewhere in that pile of toys in the corner. (Or is that laundry? Who can tell anymore?) But nope, it turns out there was only one, single, solitary f*ck that I had left to give. And now it's on fire, so I'm all out. Gotta say, though — it smells lovely.

Wear:

• 13.75 oz
• All Natural Soy Wax Blend
• 60-80 hour burn time
• Hand Poured in the USA
• Available in 7 custom Scary Mommy Scents

1. The Next-Best-Thing to Clean Laundry  (Warm Cotton)
2. Go-Ask-Your-Dad Vanilla (Vanilla Teakwood)
3. Zen AF (Calming Lavender)
4. Pumpkin Spice Up Your Lives (Spiced pumpkin with notes of Vanilla, Cinnamon, & Baked Crust)
5. A Forced Family Outing to An Apple Orchard (Brandied Apples with notes of Apple, Clove, and Brandy)
6. Fall, My Second Favorite F Word (Orange Zest with notes of Clove, Cedar, Amber, & Patchouli)
7. Autumn Leaves and Sanity Please (Woodland Escape notes Lemon, Cedarwood, Fir Balsam, and Vanilla)

Why:

• FREE RETURNS
• FREE compliments and nods of approval from other moms who know the struggle is real

Shipping: Ship times quoted in checkout are estimates of time in transit after your product leaves the fulfillment center. Some items in your order may ship separately to arrive faster.

Dads love a good joke, a bad pun, and spreading a little bit of wisdom. So give him the perfect gift this Father’s Day and make his day, every day. The average dad regularly uses 3 out of 4 of these dad-isms. How dad are you? 

This tear away calendar is the best, unique (and dare we say cheap!) gift for dads and husbands this Father’s Day.

The details:

• 5.25" X 4.25"
• 313 hilarious tear-away days (from 01/01/21 to 12/31/21)
• Comes with attached plastic stand

The delight:

• FREE RETURNS
• FREE high fives from other dudes who know the deal

What:

Think of this warm, flickering flame as a soothing, beautifully-scented way of me saying "LEAVE ME ALONE!" I need a break. If the light is on, I'm off. Get it?

Wear:

• 13.75 oz
• All Natural Soy Wax Blend
• 60-80 hour burn time
• Hand Poured in the USA
• Available in 7 custom Scary Mommy Scents

1. The Next-Best-Thing to Clean Laundry   (Warm Cotton)
2. Go-Ask-Your-Dad Vanilla (Vanilla Teakwood)
3. Zen AF (Calming Lavender)
4. Pumpkin Spice Up Your Lives (Spiced pumpkin with notes of Vanilla, Cinnamon, & Baked Crust)
5. A Forced Family Outing to An Apple Orchard (Brandied Apples with notes of Apple, Clove, and Brandy)
6. Fal, My Second Favorite F Word (Orange Zest with notes of Clove, Cedar, Amber, & Patchouli)
7. Autumn Leaves and Sanity Please (Woodland Escape notes Lemon, Cedarwood, Fir Balsam, and Vanilla)

Why:

• FREE RETURNS
• FREE compliments and nods of approval from other moms who know the struggle is real

Shipping: Ship times quoted in checkout are estimates of time in transit after your product leaves the fulfillment center. Some items in your order may ship separately to arrive faster.

What:

A rage-coloring book JUST for burnt-out moms who need to vent. Go to your happy place, steal some of your kid's markers and color a world free of kids and full of swears.

Wear:

• 36 coloring pages
• Coloring pages have black backing to avoid any bleeding
• 8.5" x 11"
• Perforated sheets so you can tear out and hang up your masterpieces

Why:

• FREE RETURNS
• FREE compliments and nods of approval from other moms who know the struggle is real

Mask orders start shipping 15-20 business days after your order has been placed. Please also keep in mind that your ENTIRE order will ship at once — only after the pre-order items are ready to go.

What:

This shouldn’t need to be said. But, for some reason, it does. It really does. Take a hint, guy behind me in line at the store. You look ridiculous and you’re not helping.

Wear:

• Two layer mask:   first layer is made of Polyester Microfiber fabric (similar to a 300-thread count bedsheet), with a second inner layer made of Polyester/Cotton blend fabric
• Inner pocket where you can insert a separate filter (not included)
• Face mask also includes an additional rubber adjuster for the elastic ear loops.  This adjuster slides to make the ear loops larger or smaller for an extra snug fit. 
• Comes in two sizes:

1. Medium: 8"W X 5"H with 8.5" ear loops. Suggested for adult female
2. Large: 9"W X 5.5"H with 9.5" ear loops. Suggested for adult males

• Imported

What: 

Official holiday announcement: I'm all out of f*cks to give. I've thrown all my holiday stress into the fire and now I'm just basking in the glow of not caring.

Wear:

• 13.75 oz
• All Natural Soy Wax Blend
• 60-80 hour burn time
• Hand Poured in the USA
• Available in 5 custom Scary Mommy Scents

1. Spiced Holiday Stress (Cinnamon with notes of Citron, Brown Sugar, & Nutmeg)
2. Festive AF (Orange Zest with notes of Clove, Cedar, Amber, & Patchouli)
3. Festive, My Second Favorite F Word (Orange Zest with notes of Clove, Cedar, Amber, & Patchouli)
4. Evergreen Trees and Sanity Please (Evergreen Forest with notes of Balsam Fir, Eucalyptus, & Mistletoe Leaves)
5. Shit, It's Cold (Winter Breeze with notes of Peppermint, Mountain Cypress, & Mint Leaves)

Why:

• FREE RETURNS
• FREE compliments and nods of approval from other moms who know the struggle is real

What:

Bad moods happen, but don't say I didn't try to warn you. Use this official form to let the family know when to steer clear, for their own safety.

Wear:

• 40 Notice of Appreciation sheets
  
• 4.25" x 5.5"
• Magnetic Backing

Why:

• FREE RETURNS

This item will begin to ship 2/3. Please also keep in mind that your ENTIRE order will ship at once — only after the pre-order items are ready to go.

What:

Leave a professional note for your marital co-worker with this official paperwork. Generic form-letters to cover all the little daily communications between spouses, because what could be more romantic than someone filling in the blanks for you?

Wear:

• Five 40 sheet notepads
  
• 4.5" x 5.75"
• Magnetic Backing

Why:

• FREE RETURNS

What:

Don’t mind me, I’m just going to ignore the fact that everything is chaos all around me and focus on this calming scented candle. I’m fine, this is all fine, we’ll all be fine.

Wear:

• 13.75 oz
• All Natural Soy Wax Blend
• 60-80 hour burn time
• Hand Poured in the USA
• Available in 7 custom Scary Mommy Scents

1. The Next-Best-Thing to Clean Laundry   (Warm Cotton)
2. Go-Ask-Your-Dad Vanilla (Vanilla Teakwood)
3. Zen AF (Calming Lavender)
4. Pumpkin Spice Up Your Lives (Spiced pumpkin with notes of Vanilla, Cinnamon, & Baked Crust)
5. A Forced Family Outing to An Apple Orchard (Brandied Apples with notes of Apple, Clove, and Brandy)
6. My Second Favorite F Word (Orange Zest with notes of Clove, Cedar, Amber, & Patchouli)
7. Autumn Leaves and Sanity Please (Woodland Escape notes Lemon, Cedarwood, Fir Balsam, and Vanilla)

Why:

• FREE RETURNS
• FREE compliments and nods of approval from other moms who know the struggle is real

Mask orders start shipping 15-20 business days after your order has been placed. Please also keep in mind that your ENTIRE order will ship at once — only after the pre-order items are ready to go.

What:

Look, none of us are loving having to wear the masks. I hate wearing this, I hate Covid, I hate 2020, I hate this whole deal. I’m going to use my mask to vent my feelings, not my droplets.

Wear:

• Two layer mask:   first layer is made of Polyester Microfiber fabric (similar to a 300-thread count bedsheet), with a second inner layer made of Polyester/Cotton blend fabric
• Inner pocket where you can insert a separate filter (not included)
• Face mask also includes an additional rubber adjuster for the elastic ear loops.  This adjuster slides to make the ear loops larger or smaller for an extra snug fit. 
• Comes in two sizes:

1. Medium: 8"W X 5"H with 8.5" ear loops. Suggested for adult female
2. Large: 9"W X 5.5"H with 9.5" ear loops. Suggested for adult males

• Imported

What:

Some days you’re zen AF and other days you just need to light something on fire. Take your rage out on the wick of this candle. Bonus: your family will know to steer clear when the candle is lit. They’ve been warned.

Wear:

• 13.75 oz
• All Natural Soy Wax Blend
• 60-80 hour burn time
• Hand Poured in the USA
• Available in 7 custom Scary Mommy Scents

1. The Next-Best-Thing to Clean Laundry    (Warm Cotton)
2. Go-Ask-Your-Dad Vanilla (Vanilla Teakwood)
3. Zen AF (Calming Lavender)
4. Pumpkin Spice Up Your Lives (Spiced pumpkin with notes of Vanilla, Cinnamon, & Baked Crust)
5. A Forced Family Outing to An Apple Orchard (Brandied Apples with notes of Apple, Clove, and Brandy)
6. Fall, My Second Favorite F Word (Orange Zest with notes of Clove, Cedar, Amber, & Patchouli)
7. Autumn Leaves and Sanity Please (Woodland Escape notes Lemon, Cedarwood, Fir Balsam, and Vanilla)

Why:

• FREE RETURNS
• FREE compliments and nods of approval from other moms who know the struggle is real

What: 

This candle is out here looking cute and speaking truth. Make a statement and make it smell good in your house, too. Win/Win.

Wear:

• 13.75 oz
• All Natural Soy Wax Blend
• 60-80 hour burn time
• Hand Poured in the USA
• Available in 5 custom Scary Mommy Scents

1. Spiced Holiday Stress (Cinnamon with notes of Citron, Brown Sugar, & Nutmeg)
2. Festive AF (Orange Zest with notes of Clove, Cedar, Amber, & Patchouli)
3. Festive, My Second Favorite F Word (Orange Zest with notes of Clove, Cedar, Amber, & Patchouli)
4. Evergreen Trees and Sanity Please (Evergreen Forest with notes of Balsam Fir, Eucalyptus, & Mistletoe Leaves)
5. Shit, It's Cold (Winter Breeze with notes of Peppermint, Mountain Cypress, & Mint Leaves)

Why:

• FREE RETURNS
• FREE compliments and nods of approval from other moms who know the struggle is real

Mask orders start shipping 15-20 business days after your order has been placed. Please also keep in mind that your ENTIRE order will ship at once — only after the pre-order items are ready to go.

What:

I’m not saying I was the original social distancer, but I might’ve been. Shout out to my fellow introverts who were already pros at hiding from an acquaintance in a grocery store, even before all this.

Wear:

• Two layer mask:  first layer is made of Polyester Microfiber fabric (similar to a 300-thread count bedsheet), with a second inner layer made of Polyester/Cotton blend fabric
• Inner pocket where you can insert a separate filter (not included)
• Face mask also includes an additional rubber adjuster for the elastic ear loops.  This adjuster slides to make the ear loops larger or smaller for an extra snug fit. 
• Comes in two sizes:

1. Medium: 8"W X 5"H with 8.5" ear loops. Suggested for adult female
2. Large: 9"W X 5.5"H with 9.5" ear loops. Suggested for adult males

• Imported

What:

Finally, all the benefits of baking homemade treats with none of the work. Fill your home with this comforting scent and then dump some store-bought cookies on a paper plate. Boom, you’re really nailing this domesticity thing.

Wear:

• 13.75 oz
• All Natural Soy Wax Blend
• 60-80 hour burn time
• Hand Poured in the USA
• Available in 4 custom Scary Mommy Scents

1. Go-Ask-Your-Dad Vanilla (Vanilla Teakwood)
2. Pumpkin Spice Up Your Lives (Spiced pumpkin with notes of Vanilla, Cinnamon, & Baked Crust)
3. A Forced Family Outing to An Apple Orchard (Brandied Apples with notes of Apple, Clove, and Brandy)
4. My Second Favorite F Word (Spiced Blood Orange with notes of Cassis, Brazilian Orange, and Cedar)

Why:

• FREE RETURNS
• FREE compliments and nods of approval from other moms who know the struggle is real

What: 

Oh, boy. More of the frigid white stuff. We're way past winter wonderland and into snowy hellscape. It's the winter that will never end.

Wear:

• 13.75 oz
• All Natural Soy Wax Blend
• 60-80 hour burn time
• Hand Poured in the USA
• Available in 5 custom Scary Mommy Scents

1. Spiced Holiday Stress (Cinnamon with notes of Citron, Brown Sugar, & Nutmeg)
2. Festive AF (Orange Zest with notes of Clove, Cedar, Amber, & Patchouli)
3. Festive, My Second Favorite F Word (Orange Zest with notes of Clove, Cedar, Amber, & Patchouli)
4. Evergreen Trees and Sanity Please (Evergreen Forest with notes of Balsam Fir, Eucalyptus, & Mistletoe Leaves)
5. Shit, It's Cold (Winter Breeze with notes of Peppermint, Mountain Cypress, & Mint Leaves)

Why:

• FREE RETURNS
• FREE compliments and nods of approval from other moms who know the struggle is real

What:

Love notes are overrated, now you can officially recognize your partner as Spouse Of The Month with a generic form-letter! The competition was not fierce but still, they should be thrilled to receive this great honor.

Wear:

• 40 Notice of Appreciation sheets
  
• 4.5" x 5.75"
• Magnetic Backing

Why:

• FREE RETURNS

what:

The perfect gift for a mom who could really use a damn break. When she's under this blanket napping or watching her shows, she is not to be disturbed. Dad can deal with it.

The details:

• 50 X 60
• Midweight soft fleece
• Polyester

The delight:

• FREE RETURNS
• FREE high fives from other dudes who know the deal

What:

The most relaxing scent for stressed-out moms. Send a message to your kids that there are TWO parents in this goddamn house. When the candle is lit, mom will not be accepting questions or snack requests, that’s what dad is for.

Wear:

• 13.75 oz
• All Natural Soy Wax Blend
• 60-80 hour burn time
• Hand Poured in the USA

Why:

• FREE RETURNS
• FREE compliments and nods of approval from other moms who know the struggle is real

Mask orders start shipping 15-20 business days after your order has been placed. Please also keep in mind that your ENTIRE order will ship at once — only after the pre-order items are ready to go.

What:

This mask is a layup to the a classic dad joke. People will ask you, “What’s updog?” and you’ll be able to hit ‘em with “not much dog, what’s up with you?” You are a comedy legend now, thanks to this wing man of a mask.

Wear:

• Two layer mask:   first layer is made of Polyester Microfiber fabric (similar to a 300-thread count bedsheet), with a second inner layer made of Polyester/Cotton blend fabric
• Inner pocket where you can insert a separate filter (not included)
• Face mask also includes an additional rubber adjuster for the elastic ear loops.  This adjuster slides to make the ear loops larger or smaller for an extra snug fit. 
• Comes in two sizes:

1. Medium: 8"W X 5"H with 8.5" ear loops. Suggested for adult female
2. Large: 9"W X 5.5"H with 9.5" ear loops. Suggested for adult males

• Imported

What:

Go ahead, try to tell me to smile and see how that ends for you. The perfect candle for a snarky badass mama who also happens to like pretty scented candles.

Wear:

• 13.75 oz
• All Natural Soy Wax Blend
• 60-80 hour burn time
• Hand Poured in the USA
• Available in 4 custom Scary Mommy Scents

1. Go-Ask-Your-Dad Vanilla (Vanilla Teakwood)
2. Pumpkin Spice Up Your Lives (Spiced pumpkin with notes of Vanilla, Cinnamon, & Baked Crust)
3. A Forced Family Outing to An Apple Orchard (Brandied Apples with notes of Apple, Clove, and Brandy)
4. My Second Favorite F Word (Spiced Blood Orange with notes of Cassis, Brazilian Orange, and Cedar)

Why:

• FREE RETURNS
• FREE compliments and nods of approval from other moms who know the struggle is real

What:

SOS, Mom is about to lose her shit. Consider this gift set an emergency kit for when she's down to her last f*ck. Give her this and back away slowly.

Wear:

Includes the following items:

• Calm Your Tits & Color adult coloring book
• Mom's Planning and Profanity Notebook
• Official Warning Notepad
• Out of Service candle with a scent of Go Ask Your Dad Vanilla (Vanilla Sandalwood) 

Why:

• FREE RETURNS
• FREE compliments and nods of approval from other moms who know the struggle is real

Mask orders start shipping 15-20 business days after your order has been placed. Please also keep in mind that your ENTIRE order will ship at once — only after the pre-order items are ready to go.

What:

Since we can’t see entire human faces anymore, it’s hard to read facial cues. With this mask you can just go ahead and let people know where your head’s at. Keeping this two pack of masks on hand means you’re prepared for any situation.

Wear:

• Two layer mask:   first layer is made of Polyester Microfiber fabric (similar to a 300-thread count bedsheet), with a second inner layer made of Polyester/Cotton blend fabric
• Inner pocket where you can insert a separate filter (not included)
• Face mask also includes an additional rubber adjuster for the elastic ear loops.  This adjuster slides to make the ear loops larger or smaller for an extra snug fit. 
• Comes in two sizes:

1. Medium: 8"W X 5"H with 8.5" ear loops. Suggested for adult female
2. Large: 9"W X 5.5"H with 9.5" ear loops. Suggested for adult males

• Imported

Mask orders start shipping 15-20 business days after your order has been placed. Please also keep in mind that your ENTIRE order will ship at once — only after the pre-order items are ready to go.

What:

Not even a pandemic can stop my cringe-worthy dad puns. Prepare to laugh and roll your eyes, from a safe distance of at least 6 feet away.

Wear:

• Two layer mask:   first layer is made of Polyester Microfiber fabric (similar to a 300-thread count bedsheet), with a second inner layer made of Polyester/Cotton blend fabric
• Inner pocket where you can insert a separate filter (not included)
• Face mask also includes an additional rubber adjuster for the elastic ear loops.  This adjuster slides to make the ear loops larger or smaller for an extra snug fit. 
• Comes in two sizes:

1. Medium: 8"W X 5"H with 8.5" ear loops. Suggested for adult female
2. Large: 9"W X 5.5"H with 9.5" ear loops. Suggested for adult males

• Imported

What:

I don't always apologize, but when I do it's important to document it for posterity. Here's proof that I'm at least theoretically partially sorry for whatever I did (or didn't do.)

Wear:

• 40 Formal Apology sheets
  
• 4.5" x 5.75"
• Magnetic Backing

Why:

• FREE RETURNS

What: 

Look at me, I'm so fun and festive. I lit a candle, so my work here is done. We can't all be interior decorators and that's fine with me.

Wear:

• 13.75 oz
• All Natural Soy Wax Blend
• 60-80 hour burn time
• Hand Poured in the USA
• Available in 5 custom Scary Mommy Scents

1. Spiced Holiday Stress (Cinnamon with notes of Citron, Brown Sugar, & Nutmeg)
2. Festive AF (Orange Zest with notes of Clove, Cedar, Amber, & Patchouli)
3. Festive, My Second Favorite F Word (Orange Zest with notes of Clove, Cedar, Amber, & Patchouli)
4. Evergreen Trees and Sanity Please (Evergreen Forest with notes of Balsam Fir, Eucalyptus, & Mistletoe Leaves)
5. Shit, It's Cold (Winter Breeze with notes of Peppermint, Mountain Cypress, & Mint Leaves)

Why:

• FREE RETURNS
• FREE compliments and nods of approval from other moms who know the struggle is real